My lil adventurers

The kids got alot of explorer stuff for their bdays this year from friends and family. They love all of it!! This morning was one of their many adventures. I had to share this picture because, well, they are to darn adorable!!!

Remembering and all that goes with it...

So, our internet is up and running again. We now have our phone back too. It is crazy how lost one can feel without technology. So if you have been trying to get ahold of us, you now can again.

We are here in our new home and it is wonderful, perfect, and well, maybe that isn't so true. Yes, it is wonderful. Feeling abundantely blessed with this home is beyond what my heart feels. I am so truly thankful for what God has given us so please don't take me wrong. But, even though I feel all of this, deep inside, I am hurting. I can't really describe it. I have been so taken back by my feelings that for awhile, I wasn't able to pinpoint it. Or maybe I was, and I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. But here's the truth. Last Fri night, the night before we moved in, I came to the house completely by myself for the first time. I was bringing all the food and going to clean up a bit before everything was moved in the next day. I was walking around the house and looking at all the painting Brent had done and then, I walked into the nursery. I felt like someone punched me in my stomach. I wanted to scream, throw up, and cry all at the same time, yet nothing came out. I just stood there. It was beautiful. Brent did a wonderful job at painting our baby's nursery and I knew this was going to be the perfect room for our lil boy that at that very moment, was going crazy in my stomach. I thought of watching him as he slept in there and what precious memories would be made in that room.

But, oh the pain...

Not a second later, my thoughts went to our two babies that are in heaven. The very next day, my family and I would be leaving the home that Brent and I were suppose to have brought our two children home too. We were leaving the home where I took those pregnancy tests and waited not so patiently for the lil lines to show up and then, there they were, positive. We were leaving the place that I had felt both of them move in my belly and where I had talked to them. Now what? All of sudden, again, I feel like they are being taking away from me.  I am grieving. Yes, still. And to be honest, I don't think I will ever stop. Who does? How can someone lose a child and not grieve forever for them, wanting to hold onto whatever it is that they can to remember them. That is where I am.

I love our new home and I love all the wonderful memories that will be made here. I get excited thinking of them all and wondering what they will be. I am so far past wanting to bring our lil man home to his new room  and watching Joshua, Abigail, and him grow up together, that I can't contain myself. I love my life, I am happy...

but, I am also a Mommy who loss two precious babies.

I remember.
I can't forget.
I am not sorry for either of those.

I can feel all of these things at once and that is okay.

It's Moving Time!

Okay, so tomorrow is the big day!!! WOW!! Last time I wrote, I was just telling everyone for the 1st time that Brent and I bought our first home and here I am 9 days later and getting ready to move into our new home. We are so excited and so humbled. God is so good!! I can't wait to share updates with everyone as we get settled. Which brings me to letting you know that we will be out of "techno" world for the next week. That means no computer and yes, no phone. Oops. We forgot to call and get our phone transferred and now, it will be next Friday before they can get out to do it. It shall be very interesting since we don't have a "real" cell phone.  We do have one of those pay as you go phones which puts my mind at ease for emergencies. But so you know, you won't be hearing from me for the next week. It will help me get some stuff done at the new house though, so that is a plus. Okay, enough rambling for now. I am so tired that this post may sound a lil not so well thought out and that is because it wasn't. Forgive me.

Next time you hear from me, the Kanaly's will be in their new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!